My posts thus far have been my spiritual learnings and experiences...seed planting. Today I felt led to share more of "me" with you. I have avoided doing this for some time but I know that to authentically encourage others, I need to be transparent outside of my safety zone. Here is my first stab at it. Pray for a Sista! :)
There is a consistent misconception about me...the assumption I am an extrovert. I get it. I remember how shocked I was when I discovered I was an introvert, Once I thought about it, it explained some areas of confusion I had about myself. The reaction I get from people when I tell them I am an introvert is quite funny. Most people assume someone with my big/energized/assertive/outgoing personality traits would be an extrovert, not understanding that it is more about how I re-energize that places me in my introvert box. I DEFINITELY re-energize in quiet!
My day is typically full of engaging dialog. I love it...it is exciting! I am a student of human nature and love the exploration of understanding who people are and why people are. This requires quite a bit of personal interaction and conversation. For as long as I can remember, strangers, in a short span of conversation with me, would deep dive into sharing personal feeling and thoughts with me. I never looked at it as a problem because I am not really wired for extended casual conversations...don't get me wrong, I will engage on a casual level where necessary but not for any great length of time. My natural inclination to want to get to know a person and what makes them tic, prompts me to ask simple questions. I was taught that you learn by asking questions and then listening to the responses attentively.
Everyone is not comfortable with questions and react differently depending on their area of anx...fear, insecurity, trust, or their own level of introversion. As stated before, most of the people I meet open up and share themselves with me quickly. Quickly becoming transparent without obvious reasoning with someone you haven't known long can also be uncomfortable for some. I have experienced this in several new relationships. Time and consistent exposure to me helped to dispel those feelings in most but not all. Most who push through their feelings of fear and discomfort realize I can be a loyal (not perfect) friend and that I will guard their deep thing as if they were my own. I have encountered a few people in my lifetime who felt like I asked questioned because I was secretly collecting info to use against them. Those relationships didn't last long enough to show them they were mistaken. :/ That makes me sad because of my desire to connect with the people closest to me. Those in my inner circle get the privilege of seeing me exposed, vulnerable and transparent. But with that comes the responsibility of trust and protection (it is reciprocal).
Due to the nature of my job, problem solving accompanies my constant engagement with people throughout my day. God's gifts (encouragement, helps, teaching) along with my natural desire to understand people tend to leave me weighted down and empty at the end of the day. Encouraging people and listening to their challenges is something I can do with ease but there is a process of release and responsibility that comes with it. Hence, I can't wait to get home and hide from people and noise! A strong subtle desire overtakes me to run home to peace and quiet to refuel and unload everyone's stuff I have collected. It is not always easy to do when you have other responsibilities. Those who do not learn how to unload and refuel will eventually crash and burn as I did in 2010 (another story for a later post). I was forced to learn to balance my plate after my mind snapped from the long-term extra weight.
For me, the balance of family, parenting, relationships, ministry and personal time requires deliberate focus and time to figure out because if neglected, it can become damaging to me and everything attached to me.
I am blessed to have a son who is also an introvert, although a more traditional manifestation of it. It took me a little time to discover the rhythm for our relationship but being a fellow introvert helped me to understand with more ease what makes him tic/motivates him/communicates love to him. We have our best time together on the weekends watching his favorite TV shows or simple talks about life and super heroes. :) It is natural for us to be able to enjoy each other's slow quiet space at the end of the week without much going on. It took Dad, who is a traditional extrovert, a little longer to understand his need for simple, quiet, separated space.
Having a romantic relationship with an extrovert can sometimes be challenging. Unless a balance can be struck between quiet/noise and busy/relaxation,each person runs the risk of feeling overwhelmed and unfulfilled The busyness of life can also impact each person's ability to maintain balance in the relationship. Something as simple as needing the TV on or off while falling asleep....the need for conversation or an hour of no conversation at the end of a work day will also impact the introvert/extrovert relationship. In every type of relationship, each person has to be deliberate in their awareness/understanding of the other person and than be willing to do the work to apply that knowledge.
Balancing ministry (spiritual growth of self & others), especially leadership in ministry is truly deserving of a separate post of its own! It is possible to do too much of the right thing for the right reasons. My motivation, desires and giftings were all pointed in the right direction when I crashed and burned in 2010 but there was no balance. I was running on all cylinders in every area of my life and I ignored the smoke and loud grinding noises of my brain because I wanted to help people and be used by God. When the challenges of life hit me and the demands of leadership in a large ministry collided, I had very little space for downtime or quiet. In the christian community, you don't hear many messages on burnout/depression/suicide by ministry leaders, preachers or pastors so I thought I was doing something wrong and there was some deficiency in me. I would hear constantly, just trust God. Especially since the motto I served under each week in ministry stated that "I would not let the challenges of life effect my service to God's people. I was left feeling abandoned by and a failure at serving God's people, who I loved. God always has a plan and a purpose for what He allows us to go through. :) You are experiencing purpose with me in this blog.
Even with all of my life lessons born out of my season of rest/quiet (during my "crash"), it is still a tricky balancing act. I have to fight to make sure that in all of my "Soil Work" in this "Garden" and in my everyday engagements that I take time to at the end of each day to refuel/unload in my quiet time. Making sure I leave all of the weights and the problems I collect throughout the day at God's feet and pick up/restock my spiritual tool belt with His peace...His encouragement....His Word of guidance for my life. I am learning more everyday to guard my peace and quiet time with all diligence.
Resource: Life & The Holy Spirit
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