I have been compelled today to share more intimately. I don’t know if anyone else can relate but most of my life I felt like I didn’t fit in….my family….my friends
(except for a select few)…..church ministry…..work. An indescribable feeling of always being the
odd one….thinking differently….perceiving differently. As a young person, I just wanted to
fit/belong. It caused me many
emotionally isolated years of loneliness.
Don’t get me wrong, I always had lots of people in my life but few who I
thought “got me”. Relationships have
always come easy for me but many times left a void. I thought I was too needy or insecure. Some
of that may have been true and some due to capacity issues…read my post “The
Heart Attacks...” I love deeply and
openly….maybe too quickly and too freely. :) I’m still on that journey of discovery.
SIDE NOTE: I will
apologize in advance and try to stay focused in my sharing....yes, I'm long winded and still developing my writing skills. ;) There are many tangents to my life
discoveries and I tend to go off in several directions but I promise to try to
get back on track quickly from each detour. Twenty
something years of digging deep, produces a lot of “stuff”. :)
I started my journey of self-discovery when I was in my mid-twenties.
It is a long road that I am still
traveling. I wanted to know what was
wrong with me…why I felt lost and different all the time. Every place I turned
for answers left me feeling more confused, lost
and empty. Many times my focus was
finding the right man…oh, I forgot to mention that one of the discoveries on my
journey was that I had “daddy abandonment issues”. This discovery helped a lot in my
understanding of emotional fulfillment or the lack thereof. It also led me to the greatest discovery and
relationship of my life….my Father. Not
my natural father. I forgave my natural father many years ago (another part of my journey)
for not knowing how to be a part of my life….he had his challenges and did the
best he knew how at the time. The void
that was left by him left a huge space for God to fill and fill it He has. :)
I have always had a strong pulling towards
spiritual things. I didn’t know that’s
what it was early on, I just knew that the more I tried to fit in to common
popular things…..partying, drinking, sexing, unforgiveness, gossiping,
bitterness, back biting, self-centeredness, the more sick/stressed I felt. It felt like I was the one who always felt
bad/convicted and everyone else around me seemed just fine with it. :/ Trust me, I’m no saint, I still have my
issues but guilt seems to find an easy mark when I am “out of order”. That conviction has taught me to forgive/say
I’m sorry…and mean it… in the midst of conflict, regardless of the other person’s
ownership of their actions. Some conflicts/mess take longer to forgive/straighten out but is a necessary destination for my
emotional health. I am a firm believer
that forgiveness is more for the benefit of the giver of it than the recipient.
Back to my first big “find”.
A huge life lesson (definitely not ready to share that yet!), left me literally
on my face on my bedroom floor calling to God to help me escape a pain that I
thought would rip me in half. I was 24
years old at the time. I promised God
that I would dedicate my life to Him if He helped me out of my internal agony…..you know how we do. LOL!!
No one knew or could see the suffering I had been existing in for years,
well, other than my constant moodiness. :D
If you looked at my life you would have thought I was happy and
fulfilled….good job….good friends….halfway sane family. ;) But my heart and my head were in secret
turmoil….my own personal hell of unfulfillment. I didn’t fully understand the promise I made
God but I meant it with everything in me.
OH BOY WAS I ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
One of the first things I had to learn was to stop running
from myself. I had spent the first half
of my life taking care of everyone except me….being what I thought others
wanted so that I would fit in. I didn’t
want to face the person in the mirror for fear of hating what I saw. I had shaped my thinking of myself by what "I
thought" others saw…I didn’t believe it was anything good because my father and mother couldn’t
seem to love me enough to spend time with me....help me understand/develop ME…..family
and friends regularly told me I was “cute for a dark girl”….men thought I was
good catch but even that confused me because they either thought I was too nice
to run “game” on or too much trouble because I wouldn’t let them run game
without questioning their motives (I did have a little dignity when I was younger). ;)
I later discovered/accepted: (1)my parents were not bad people, they were
young and had issues of their own that consumed them….they had no idea how to
give me what I needed because they had not figured out how to get what they
needed yet. People can only give what
they have. Shout-out: Kudos to my mom who has grown tremendously in purpose the last five years! (2) the people in my life who
saw my beauty only through my darker skin tone were just mimicking what society
(Black & White) has taught us is acceptable beauty. (3) the age of a man
does not reveal his maturity and understanding of
life/relationship/integrity/responsibility.
There were many more lessons but I will stop there regarding the shaping
of my identity.
GRAND REVEAL – God had created me and had created me in His
image….the smartest thing to do was seek my creator to find out what/who
I was by discovering the purpose for my creation. I had no clue how to start that process but I
did realize I had to go back to church for help. That was not an easy task. I have been saved since I was a child. I went
to church faithfully with my aunt and great grandmother. My love for church and ministry started early. I remember being on the youth choir and a part of
youth ministry. I felt at peace and in
the right place when I was in church but then as a teenager my Pastor was run
out of town for sleeping with the women in the church (a life/spiritual lesson
for another post) and I walked away to do life on my own. I decided church was a disappointment and full
of corrupt or foolish people. I knew so
much at the mature age of 16/17. LOL!!
After visiting many churches, two of my friends invited me
to their church (the same church) and I finally found myself at home again! I attended for a year before I joined but I
have been a member of my church since 1992. God has used my Pastor, Bishop Walter
Scott Thomas, Sr. as a major guide in my self-discovery. I haven’t physically stepped through the
doors of my church in at least two years (again, a story for another post) but Bishop
Thomas’ ministry/teaching is used in my life every day. In church, I was taught who God is…. who He
created me to be…I learned to look at myself through God's eyes….I discovered my
gifts and desire for purpose. The events of my life the
last five years have oddly had me out of church/church ministry (don’t
ask me to explain it….I’m still on that path of discovery), after twenty years
of immersing my life in serving God through His church. I have been
an eChurch member….SHOCKING to many who know me but not to those who KNOW
me. Other than my life being completely
out of balance, I still don’t know why I had to lose my mind to learn the importance of balance in my life. :) I do know that I found peace and purpose in my
journey of healing from what felt like craziness.
It is amazing what
crazy looked like to others. For some, it
looked like me being a teacher for applying God's Word to everyday life…it looked
like me starting to blog about my life lessons and spiritual journey. WHO KNEW people would want me to facilitate their spiritual growth or write about my experiences? OK, I have heard it most of my life from people but I didn't have the confidence to believe it
God made me a promise twenty years ago and I finally see it
slowly unfolding in my life…slow is a good speed for me right now. :) I love Christ’s church and honestly don’t have
a clue what God is doing with me outside of the traditional ministry I have
known. I do know that His ministry has never stopped
in my life and He has been using the tragedy that has happened these last five years
to draw people to Him in a way I never imagined. I know I will not make the mistake again of
thinking I have any idea of “how” God is going to do “what” He is going to do. I just know He will. God gets the Glory!
Those things about myself I took for granted, my interests…. passions…. sensitivities…. challenges, all ended up being customized in me for my destiny. I know…..I know, it sounds a little odd to
some but believe me when I say, it was not until those discoveries that I found
a place of peace, fulfillment and direction for my life. It explained why I never felt like I fit
in. I wasn’t supposed to “fit”. I started feeling more comfortable with words
like “being in this world but not of this world”. I no longer feel uncomfortable being a
little different….I like to call it spice/salt for whatever I find myself
in. :) I know some people like their life “bland”
and they will probably have a hard time being connected to me. I still struggle in the “romantic relationship”
area….dont’ know if it is as complicated as “daddy issues” run deep or what my
friends would say is as simple as it takes a special man to be connected to/have capacity for me. I am finally cool
with that….I know I can be challenging….always asking you to think/dig deep. I think I was born with a shovel in my hand…it
took me a while to learn how to use it. That’s
just the way God made me. Take it up
with HIM. Be patient with me, my journey
of discovery is still ongoing and if you don’t like what you see right now, stay
tuned, I’m sure there will be some surprises down the road. I hope you stay on for the ride but I know it
all boils down to capacity….yours and mine.
I no longer look to “fit in”, it is more about my purpose for being
there.
Everyone’s journey is different. Although there have been many lessons on my journey, one of the most valuable for me is being more self aware and the discipline of looking in the mirror, past my "feelings", before I assess another person's actions/lack thereof. My path would not have brought me to
where I needed to be without a spiritual relationship with God, His Church, my spiritual fathers/mothers, and surrendering myself (constant battle of letting go of pride, fear,
control, being accepted by others). My
peace comes from the journey to trusting God’s promises for my life, understanding
my purpose and what He has put in me to get to destiny. I call it a journey because it is lifelong….where
I started is not where I am now and I look forward to where it ends because I
know there is where I “fit”.
