I have been dealing with anxiety and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) for the past five years which has caused me to be hyper aware of my mental and physical state every day. Before my trauma I had what I considered the typical "busy" lifestyle (dual career, church/ministry leadership, single-motherhood, dating, being a source of help for too many....), overloaded and unbalanced. The heavy cherry on top of my life was STRESS!
The source of my stress was having a dual career in industries (real estate and investment) that had gone through a devastating financial crisis as well as demanding responsibilities of ministry leadership in a large church. I soon learned that my leadership responsibilities were expected to take precedence over my personal crisis (pray, trust God and keep it moving became my motto). Who knew being stuck in my car for 10 hours during a snow storm would cause my life to change drastically? :/ Who knew that healing required more than prayer/faith.
As Christians we tend to oversimplify the process of dealing with the challenges of life and our health (mental and physical). I thank God for my mature Christian physician (Theo Stephens) who continues to help me through the mental, physical and spiritual challenges of my healing process. Advice he gave me at the height of my anxiety disorder became valuable advice for me these last five years. He told me not to let "well-meaning saints" cause me to doubt my faith because "prayer and believing God" does not result in quick healing. He and I have been members of the same church twenty-something years.
I honestly believe people mean well, but in their state of not knowing what to say, they default to common "Christian lingo." I also learned some valuable lessons... one, "others get over our issues much faster than we do". The church is a spiritual hospital, and there are many hurting people there...."hurt people hurt people." I have been able to take the lessons learned through my struggle of healing and minister to those who have been hurt in their healing. The perspective is very different when you are hurt by those who should be helping and still be able to love them anyway. God's love for us cannot be taught any clearer than that for me. We are asked to love one another as He has loved us. I know I don't deserve His love so I must learn to love/forgive through the mercy extended to me every day.
I have been asked the question by others who are battling , "what do I do when I have used all of the spiritual advice given to me, prayed/trusted God for years, and I'm still not healed?" I speak to them the words that encourage me when I become discouraged or stuck in a hole, "never lose HOPE, it is the foundation of your faith"....faith is the substance of things HOPED for....
It is that hope along with the words spoken by Paul regarding "his thorn," that began to manifest more relevantly to me along my journey with mental illness.
"Because
of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I
was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my
limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was
push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first
I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did
that, and then he told me,
My grace
is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I
heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and
began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my
weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these
limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.
I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (The
Message)
The anxiety attacks caused by the PTSD has required me to make major lifestyle changes. As a result, I have been living a double life that can be a bit confusing to others at times. My work life is fast paced, full of troubleshooting responsibilities which require that I engage people all day. Once I get home at the end of my day, I tend to self-isolate in a quiet environment with very little stimulus.
"Soil of the Soul" (this blog and the spiritual growth class I facilitate) has helped to pull me out of my isolation. \O/
I love being able to connect with and help people again. My isolation level adjusts as my stress and responsibility levels change.
The numbers for those of us suffering from mental illness are staggering. A large number of people suffer in silence because of shame/judgement. It has been a 5 year battle for me but I have discovered many others close to me, hidden in plain sight; family, friends, co-workers, church members...
I am not one of those who prefers to hide. Awareness will help save lives. Depression and suicide occur in unexpected numbers with people of faith, especially ministry leaders. The most common responses I have receved are "just pray about it...trust God for your healing....you have to cast out that spirit, in the name of Jesus!"
No disrespect to the well-meaning saints. :D Anyone who knows me, knows I am not lacking in faith (Lord knows I love Him and believe He can do anything but lie)....my greatest passion is helping others develop their faith.
I say all that to say, if you are close to someone with depression, anxiety disorder....any mental illness, educate yourself. Speak faith but don't throw Christian lingo at them, don't separate yourself or allow them to isolate themselves. Your silent presence speaks volumes to them.
Before you "mean well", know better.
Healing is a process/journey and there is much wisdom and strength to be gathered along the way for all of us.
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